my dad is an asshole. Thanks to my brand new depression i don’t feel anything about it. I can’t feel joy anymore (i’m not bulimic, i should be happy about it but i’m just like “whatever”), but it’s good to know that i can’t feel pain either.
Anyway, he cut me off: i thought he didn’t understand well the situation, so i explained it to him in a very long mail
He didn’t answer: i thought he was in vacation
Today he send me a cold mail only to ask if i was going to my grandma’s for christmas: i think he is an asshole but i don’t care
Don’t get lost in the fantasy world where you control all things—how about doing stuff in the real world where things really happen. ☯93JUN
4 days b/p free.
This is so fucking weird. I don’t know how to be normal anymore. I have all this time, and i don’t have any excuse for not doing what i have to. I don’t know who i am anymore, what i like, what i want to do. I don’t know how to deal with difficulties like a normal person. I can’t put my brain on pause now. I have a second chance and i have to build a new life from the wreckage.
Liberty is hard
I feel as if I need to write another long post instead of one-sentence long depressing updates.
Thanks to my baclofen treatment, I’ve had several days the last few weeks without binging or purging. It feels awesome, as if the mist in my head is clearing up.
Today was one of those b/p free days (which I can barely believe since 1. I was alone at the student house and 2. I am not broke for once. 3 weeks ago, this kind of freedom would have resulted in bulimic behaviour all day long).
But it was harder in other ways. Instead of planning, shopping for food, binging, purging, cleaning etc (=full time job). I had a whole day to think and I don’t know how to eat like a normal person anymore and I got stressed out bc school work etc. It’s so easy to forget what “normal living” is (not all ponies and rainbows)
I’m going to plan my food intake/ studying the day before. Plus studying in the library without laptop. And I should go running sometime.
My mind is so confusing